I'm With James Cameron: BO Is a Moron

Forgive my absence yesterday, but I've been so busy ruining a presidency I hardly had time to blog. It's been a whirlwind, really. The BP robots finished my vasectomy, then put a broken condom on my pipe. BP seems to think they're going to capture most of me, but geophysicists are quietly saying I will eventually make Chernobyl look like a lightning strike. That's because I'm still gushing, and could be for years. If BO and BP had just asked, I could have told them that snip and cap will end up like Massachusetts electing Scott Brown to stop Obamacare. You can't stop me; you can only hope to contain me.

Meanwhile, that movie director, James Cameron, has been making some noise. First he says he offered to help BP fight me, only to be “graciously” refused. Then he called the people in charge of plugging my damn hole morons. Afterward, BO said this on Larry King's Still Alive! on Thursday -- “My job is to solve this problem.” I'm with Cameron: BO is a moron.

I'll give you the real scoop on Cameron's offer. An expert on underwater filming (last I checked my employer had a pretty good handle on this aspect of the crisis), Cameron offered to send three-dimensional horse-faced blue animations to the bottom of the Gulf, but BP didn't think it would help. Then he offered to buy a tanker of little blue pills to plug my damn hole. I'm really glad BP declined because, if you've seen any of the action on my web cam, my libido is still pretty powerful. Just think of the trouble BP would have on its hands right now for running the world's most popular porn cam.

So then, smart guy that he is, Cameron gave all the little blue pills to the Oval Office. I've since heard that in the past few days alone Larry Sinclair signed the White House guest register more times than Andy Stern. Cameron, instead, has decided to start production on his next movie, predictably about BO and me. It will be called Dereliction of Duty.

Not that BO isn't trying. He made another visit to Louisiana yesterday and rolled up his sleeves so he could make me all about him, shedding his visage of collected cool in crisis to declare in anger: “We'll keep on coming back until we have dealt with an unprecedented crisis.”

"We," of course, meaning "me." Him, always with the me, myself, and I.

Last I saw, BO was jetting off to Cauli-for-nia on Air Force One, where in-flight staff served him tar ball shots.

Now They're Trying to Give Me a Vasectomy

BP's experiment with castrating me resulted in the saw getting caught in my pipe, so you can imagine my relief now that they've made the more humane decision to proceed with vasectomy. But I now have a terrible rash. So does BO. He's so angry He dumped all His frustration over me on the GOP's economic policies yesterday in such a petulant outburst His psychiatrists are now starting to whisper that He appears to be regressing toward the womb.

He should have gone golfing instead.

I don't know why, since the Regime has been on top of me since the beginning, BO didn't just order BP to hire the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw movies. That dude makes an awesome cut. I know that's the stuff of horror movies, but did anyone really expect, when BO promised during his STFU speech to allow more drill baby drill!, that four months later I'd be the crisis He would use to stop all offshore drilling for the rest of the year? Sounds like a horror movie plot to me. Speaking of horror plots, some of my new readers think BP's inability to plug my damn hole is evidence BO's Regime should have even more control over the oil companies. You mean like when Democrats forced the oil companies to drill in deeper waters, where coaxing me to come out of the ground peacefully is much more tricky and expensive and dangerous, instead of continuing to let them drill baby drill! closer to the shore, where capping a leak is like diapering a baby?

Perhaps BO will set the record straight tonight when He badmouths me again during his appearance on CNN's Larry King's Still Alive! I don't know what sitting down to talk with Larry King is going to prove, though, except that maybe BO will realize He has a better haircut and could learn advice about dealing with paying alimony to 7 ex-wives. Not that BO has even known 7 women, let alone one, in that way.

All this trouble over little ole' me, and all it would take for me to plug my own damn hole is one tiny thing:

BO has to bow to me.