My Boss Goes Before the Small People

After his boss made so many friends the day before, my boss found some small people to meet today, Day 59 -- members of Congress. Yesterday the bosses met with even smaller people, the BO Regime. Naturally, all the small people had really big things to say. They're really good at making big talk.

Like yesterday, when BO puffed out his chest (yeah, I know, you need a microscope to tell) and called the $20 billion damage claims fund he extorted from BP a good start, saying he’d “continue to hold BP accountable.” That’s some ass kicking right there. At least you all weren’t too dumb to understand it.

BO never did mention whether he’d be adding any of the campaign donations BP gave him over the years to the pot, which will be managed by “independent, third-party” Kenneth Feinberg – BO’s pay czar. Al Capone would be proud.

At today’s hearing before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Tony Hayward, my bumbling boss, said he was sorry about me (everybody’s sorry about me; nobody loves me), but then he wasn’t very good at answering the many pointed questions from the small people. You can imagine the big talk he inspired.

Eliot Engel, a New York Dhimmicrat, peppered my boss with questions my boss said couldn’t be answered until BP completes its investigation into why I’m now an oil spill, then he had a hissy fit.

“Mr. Hayward, let me just say with all due respect: I, like everyone else here, and everyone else in America, [am] thoroughly disgusted. I think you're stalling, I think you're insulting our intelligence and I really resent it."

Bart Stupak, Douchebag-Mich, had some big talk too, asking my boss if he thought he’d be my boss for much longer: “We are not small people. But we wish to get our lives back. I’m sure you’ll get your life back, and with a golden parachute to England.”

Stupak didn’t mention the golden parachute he gets himself when he has to retire in December (because of this, you'll remember) from looting America serving in Congress. Higher office, the gift that keeps giving.

Henry Waxman, Douchebag-Cauli-for-nia, laid into my boss pretty heavily, too, flapping his donkey ears as he went along, the words seeming to bang against his teeth as they tumbled out: “There is not a single e-mail or document that shows you paid even the slightest attention to the dangers at this well.”

Waxman, naturally, didn’t say anything about the music nights, vacations, golf tours, and other distractions that kept BO from paying attention to me, too.

My boss should have mentioned that Stupak and Waxman love receiving political contributions from the oil and gas industry, along with every other member of the Energy and Commerce Committee. But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that 5 of the top 10 recipients of BP lobbying money were sitting before him today on the committee: John D. Dingell (D-Mich.), Joe Barton (R-Tex.), Ralph M. Hall (R-Tex.), Roy Blunt (R-Mo.), and Fred Upton (R-Mich.). But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that the reason BP was drilling so far out in deep water instead of in Anwar or along the shore or pulling oil from shale was because of the federal government. But he didn’t.

If he had, I bet all those big talkers up there on the energy committee would feel really small.

But that’s okay. Tony Hayward probably won’t be my boss for long, for good reason. BP probably won’t be around much longer to employ me, for good reason. And many of the small people sitting up there on their bully pulpits today will soon feel a lot smaller, once voters hold their little feet to the fire in November for their complicity in my big mess, among many, many others.

You can read more about what happened at today’s hearing here. I’m tired. I have to finish pumping the rest of my daily 1.5 million gallons because no one’s plugged my damn hole yet.

I Am Still Kicking BO's Ass

There he was, in the glare of the spotlight, behind the great resolute desk (for a change, without his shoes propped up), delivering his first Oval Office speech, attempting to project a demeanor of calm and competence and leadership.

Except I couldn't help but think he looked like a cockroach dressed as a used car salesman desperate for a sale, trying to con the American people into thinking that he was kicking my ass, so he could skitter safely back into his crack in the wall after the camera went dark.

Now, I’m just a spill, I’m only a spill. My vision is somewhat distorted, what with some of me evaporating or being eaten by bacteria while the heavy, gloppy rest of me congeals in a sticky mess that slathers your shores with toxic waste that is harder to clean up than an Al Gore affair.

And yet, to me, BO looked as if he were a crack addict on a six-week binge selling a pipe dream, long past being able to seize control of all the oil I'm spewing into the Gulf but damned if he wasn't going to toss enough words out there and hope they made you forget about me. BO was angry about me, and the position in which I'd put him, but he was as helpless in front of that camera as a newborn with a soiled diaper. And, sitting behind that desk, he probably had one, too.

He even said it himself, his head barely poking out of my oily sheen: I don't know what caused this, I don't know how we're going to fix this, but we’ve got to do something.

Oh, sure, he took action: He hired an Oil Spill Czar, one former Justice Department official Michael Bromwich, a guy so qualified he has no significant experience with oil and gas issues, but OH! is he an ass kicker.

Yes, there BO was, on Day 57, showing decisive action, pledging to exhaust every idea, like suddenly embracing the Dutch offer to send skimmers to pick up my oil, after declining it way back when I started gushing, back when BO KNEW, just days after I was born, that I could be his Titanic.

Yes, there BO was, after nearly 2 months of disaster, giving the speech he should have delivered in April. There he was, telling you he would refuse to accept inaction, except when he has a tee time.

Not that BO doesn't have a plan. He’s going to plug my damn hole by completely ignoring me. To BO action means getting Congresscriminals off their duffs to finally deliver him a Cap-and-Tax bill he can be proud of.

I have to hand it to the Thinker in Chief, though … his plan really shows how you’ll tackle your dependence on foreign oil. I mean, with the moratorium on deep water drilling in the Gulf, the Bay of Rigs will suddenly become the Bay of Wind Turbines and Solar Panels and Efficient Cars and Homes. Meanwhile, investing your tax dollars in the development of clean energy technology will make all that oil slaking your coastline disappear before your very eyes!

After all, who needs those deep water oil rigs anyway? They can all move to Brazil, taking with them the 40,000 people who work on them, putting the hundreds of thousands of people back on the mainland who depend on them out of work. That’s a jobs jobs jobs bill right there, if I ever saw one.

To you, last night, BO was saying: “I don't have all the facts, but I think Oil Spill acted stupidly ... so I’m going to take advantage of this crisis to fulfill my destiny” … as America’s worst president ever.

Contrast BO’s words words words with Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal. While BO rolls up his sleeves to eat snowcones, Jindal, meanwhile, wades into the mud, building barrier islands to stop my flow from reaching precious estuaries, doing BO’s job for him, just like Jan Brewer.

Pretenders talk, leaders walk.

Yes, all I saw last night was a man shriveling inside a pressure cooker. His cheerleaders on MSNBC saw it too, retaliating with pouty recriminations from one guy who normally would murder his own mother to defend BO and another who used to get tingles upon hearing His voice.

They just couldn’t understand why BO hasn't been able to stand on the shores of the Gulf, lift his arms in the air, and summon all of his otherworldly powers to part my oil from His water.

That's because he can't. Even after he meets today with my boss and feigns kicking BP's ass, after all of the empty rhetoric, the fact remains that His response to me makes Bush's response to Katrina look, well, like people from NOLA think Bush did a far better job than Obama is doing.

And that isn't going to change because everything really comes down to this. Obviously, I am still kicking BO’s ass -- 1.5 million gallons at a time.