I Am Still Kicking BO's Ass

There he was, in the glare of the spotlight, behind the great resolute desk (for a change, without his shoes propped up), delivering his first Oval Office speech, attempting to project a demeanor of calm and competence and leadership.

Except I couldn't help but think he looked like a cockroach dressed as a used car salesman desperate for a sale, trying to con the American people into thinking that he was kicking my ass, so he could skitter safely back into his crack in the wall after the camera went dark.

Now, I’m just a spill, I’m only a spill. My vision is somewhat distorted, what with some of me evaporating or being eaten by bacteria while the heavy, gloppy rest of me congeals in a sticky mess that slathers your shores with toxic waste that is harder to clean up than an Al Gore affair.

And yet, to me, BO looked as if he were a crack addict on a six-week binge selling a pipe dream, long past being able to seize control of all the oil I'm spewing into the Gulf but damned if he wasn't going to toss enough words out there and hope they made you forget about me. BO was angry about me, and the position in which I'd put him, but he was as helpless in front of that camera as a newborn with a soiled diaper. And, sitting behind that desk, he probably had one, too.

He even said it himself, his head barely poking out of my oily sheen: I don't know what caused this, I don't know how we're going to fix this, but we’ve got to do something.

Oh, sure, he took action: He hired an Oil Spill Czar, one former Justice Department official Michael Bromwich, a guy so qualified he has no significant experience with oil and gas issues, but OH! is he an ass kicker.

Yes, there BO was, on Day 57, showing decisive action, pledging to exhaust every idea, like suddenly embracing the Dutch offer to send skimmers to pick up my oil, after declining it way back when I started gushing, back when BO KNEW, just days after I was born, that I could be his Titanic.

Yes, there BO was, after nearly 2 months of disaster, giving the speech he should have delivered in April. There he was, telling you he would refuse to accept inaction, except when he has a tee time.

Not that BO doesn't have a plan. He’s going to plug my damn hole by completely ignoring me. To BO action means getting Congresscriminals off their duffs to finally deliver him a Cap-and-Tax bill he can be proud of.

I have to hand it to the Thinker in Chief, though … his plan really shows how you’ll tackle your dependence on foreign oil. I mean, with the moratorium on deep water drilling in the Gulf, the Bay of Rigs will suddenly become the Bay of Wind Turbines and Solar Panels and Efficient Cars and Homes. Meanwhile, investing your tax dollars in the development of clean energy technology will make all that oil slaking your coastline disappear before your very eyes!

After all, who needs those deep water oil rigs anyway? They can all move to Brazil, taking with them the 40,000 people who work on them, putting the hundreds of thousands of people back on the mainland who depend on them out of work. That’s a jobs jobs jobs bill right there, if I ever saw one.

To you, last night, BO was saying: “I don't have all the facts, but I think Oil Spill acted stupidly ... so I’m going to take advantage of this crisis to fulfill my destiny” … as America’s worst president ever.

Contrast BO’s words words words with Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal. While BO rolls up his sleeves to eat snowcones, Jindal, meanwhile, wades into the mud, building barrier islands to stop my flow from reaching precious estuaries, doing BO’s job for him, just like Jan Brewer.

Pretenders talk, leaders walk.

Yes, all I saw last night was a man shriveling inside a pressure cooker. His cheerleaders on MSNBC saw it too, retaliating with pouty recriminations from one guy who normally would murder his own mother to defend BO and another who used to get tingles upon hearing His voice.

They just couldn’t understand why BO hasn't been able to stand on the shores of the Gulf, lift his arms in the air, and summon all of his otherworldly powers to part my oil from His water.

That's because he can't. Even after he meets today with my boss and feigns kicking BP's ass, after all of the empty rhetoric, the fact remains that His response to me makes Bush's response to Katrina look, well, like people from NOLA think Bush did a far better job than Obama is doing.

And that isn't going to change because everything really comes down to this. Obviously, I am still kicking BO’s ass -- 1.5 million gallons at a time.

The Only Ass Getting Kicked Is BO's

A while back, a saying went around the BO Regime like whoever said it was reading from a teleprompter (tah dum): "In great crisis there is opportunity." (I know this because a couple smaller oil spills born before me told me about it.)

Remind me. What's the opportunity I present BO?

As far as I can tell, it's music night. BOs love for the gala, for the dramatic, for visits by the Jerry Seinfelds and the Paul McCartneys and the Kelly Clarksons is surpassed only by his passion for date night, or anything else the taxpayer gets to pay for ... in 274 years.

Or maybe it's oil-doused seaweed salad and tar ball pancakes with chemical dispersant syrup chased with a glass of my orangish sheen. At least that's what BO and his glitterati should be served during their galas, while the people who live on, and depend on, the Gulf of Mexico can't work.

Now, I know that BO has shut down drilling in the Gulf for six months (except for the relief well to plug my damn hole). And I know that BO has said I have provided the perfect opportunity for the Regime to Rahm through cap and slave legislation, so the people of America can have something else to riot about, unlike the Greeks.

Who am I to say what's what? Hey, I'm just an oil spill. My job is to spew. And I do a pretty damned good job of it if, after 49 days of gushing, BO's response to me is being rated worse than that Bush guy's response to Katrina.

I don't know. I wasn't around then. But I can tell you that it's June. Guess what starts in June? Ever had the worst environmental disaster on your hands, with no end in sight, during Hurricane Season, and a recession?

Yeah, baby! That's opportunity there!

For being a Dhummi.

And maybe that's why "angry BO" has been unleashed again, to let us know that he knows that we know that when he says he knows "whose ass to kick" -- it's just another way for him to say "let me be clear," or not.

But you and I both know that BO always looks for someone else to blame. And, in the end, people who don't accept their own responsibilities ... well, they're the ones who get their asses kicked -- quite hard.

UPDATE: Thanks to iOwnTheWorld and Nice Deb and Tammy Bruce and Soylent Green for their support. Just don't get oil on your hands, like BO.