Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Mr. President: Plug Your Own Damn Hole



The federal government hasn't a damned thing to do with shutting me down, and, frankly, if they did, they'd screw it up so badly I'd probably be much worse, no doubt fouling the Gulf, Atlantic, and Pacific simultaneously.

For the pResident to go around acting like a big shot, telling people to 'plug that damn hole,' is the ultimate in stoooopid. It's like he's trying to order the sun to shine harder. Frankly, he ought to plug his own damn hole. He'd instantly cool the planet by at least 10 degrees.

I would just like to be left alone.

If my employer hadn't given so much money to Obama over the past 20 years, maybe they would have been able to afford to hire the right people to keep me in the ground. Really, I'd much rather stay under the seabed where it's nice and comfortable. You think I wanted to be the latest number one priority that kept Obama from focusing on jobs jobs jobs?"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to ruining a presidency.

But do check back in daily, while I keep my boot on the Regime's throat.


  1. Put the other one (boot) up their a$$.

  2. We're pulling for ya Mr. Spill! Hang in there!

  3. Dear Oil Spill, you keep up the good work making BO look incompetent. I'll come back to see what you have to say. I have a feeling you'll be here for awhile. There is no end in sight for the greatest oil spill ever.

    Maybe you could add tips about how you would have treated this a little differently.

  4. word for 2010 : HOLE
    History might write what it will, but it's documented here that is was HOLE>

  5. Hooray for oil! Smear the OBastard!

  6. Awww, did I just mess up your presidency and stuff??? Let me get out my cellular, and call BP....

  7. I don't suppose it would work if they shove the pResident (perfect way to put it, btw) into it as a stopper? Could they at least try?

  8. It's a real shame that once upon a time, you were made of plants and trees that eviro-terrorists like Gore and Obama "love"...yet you get a little farther along in age and you become the biggest threat to the planet besides the tea party movement.
    Seriously, Obama and this issue are permanently tied together because of the following reasons:
    The oil companies were big obama donors because they make far more profits when oil is expensive.

    The obama regime had just given the deepwater horizon rig a safety award and safety permit exemptions right before the accident.

    The obama regime has stalled BP in every attempt to cap the busted well.

    The regime has also stalled the State governments of LA, AL and FL in all attempts to block the oil from coming ashore.

    Most importantly, in a similar magnitude oil spill off Saudi shores, the Saudis called on oil tankers that did business with the Saudis to vacuum the spill before it arrived on Saudi beaches. The pResident of America could call on far more tankers so there is absolutely no freaking excuse for there to be any oil or tar balls on any beaches.
    I have said from day one of this event that I firmly believe that obama and his cronies are behind this. It was an act of terrorism against oil production and it was perpetrated in an area where "red" states would be impacted. Remember the campaign promises regarding skyrocketing energy prices and the necessary shutdown of the coal industry. Also add this oil spill along with recent mine accidents and think about it. What the obama regime did not expect was to get so much heat for their dithering and inaction.

  9. ..Some of my best friends are oil spills.

  10. Thanks Mr. Spill, we needed to hear your side. Please keep us informed.

  11. Mr. Spill, While you're at it, could you please make an appearance at the next Gaza flotilla? Maybe suck down their ships in a black, oozing mess? It would be much appreciated. Thanks and happy belching!

  12. Hi Oil Spill. I'm happy you are showing how incompetent obummer is.
    I don't like how all the wildlife and nature are being killed, though.
    Please do something about this, and make zero choke on a big oil slick while you're at it.

  13. Mr. Spill, I'm sorry you are an innocent victim of the current regime and their one-upmanship. According to those opposed to our pResident, a guy named Jesus who some think was a "messiah" or savior was able to walk on water. To top that, the new "messiah" or imam as his supporters call him said "let all mankind be able to walk on water" and the Gulf of Mexico turned black and oily. Mr. Spill, you do so many good things for us, and yet you are so demonized. Sometimes I think the sheeple in this country need a taste of life without you around to serve as a wakeup call.

  14. Mr. Spill--

    With all due respect, can you contain yourself a bit? BP is trying to contain you, so just be patient. I'd hate to see the incompetence of Mr. Obama's administration bankrupt BP and the rest of the oil industry as they employ so many people.

    On the other hand, you can thank the liberals for your existance, but wouldn't you rather be in shallow waters, or better yet, on dry land instead of a mile down in the Gulf?

  15. Mr. Spill, the world is a cruel place. The Gulf of Mexico is usually warm and welcoming (but you know that since you reside there). If those hippy environmentalists had not forced your employer to drill in such deep waters, we would not have the unintended consequences that are plaguing our environment and lifestyle today.

    Remember when we commandeered corn to make ethanol...and the price of tortillas skyrocketed? Unintended consequences.Very sad. We fixed that quickly, but the people in power like corn, and the people that eat tortillas a lot better than they like you.

    If this unfortunate accident had happened in shallower waters, there is no doubt that the top-hat-thingey, or top-kill-thingey would have worked.

    Here's the problem. The One has a real attitude. When anyone says "oil" he hears "Big Oil," and his upper lip curls. You should know, though, that most of us know you are our country's life blood.

    I'm praying for your containment, but please do me a favor. Talk to your employer about those cheesy television know, the ones that try to brainwash our children into believing BP isn't really in the oil business.

  16. Okay, so my comment posted. It was only my third try:-)

  17. I have to say that I would have to come down on the side of the oil spill on this one. Great piece, Snarky!

  18. ..Oh, mighty Oil Spill, I am back hoping to Hoover up some great wisdom and sage advice.

    Clearly with your humble beginnings from the primordial ooze of our planet, you are in touch with the forces that reached down from the cosmos and insinuated life and meaning into our planet, caused dinosaurs, mastodons. saber-tooths, and other unwitting and slow-moving creatures (like liberals) to be caught up in the tar pit manifestations of yourself as a callow youthful phenomenon.

    You can offer us the Oracle-like benefit of your historical perspective and lead us to a wiser, more reverent stewardship of our earth mother..

    ..and while you're at it, can you make some recommendations for a reasonable alternative for the cheap whiskey I have been imbibing and a dead-bang-solid hangover cure for me tomorrow morning?

    I'm beggin' ya.

    ..I'll be back tomorrow; just leave your suggestions on the fridge, if you please.


  19. Incredibly amusing, sir! Love it. Keep on keeping on. :D