Now They're Trying to Give Me a Vasectomy

BP's experiment with castrating me resulted in the saw getting caught in my pipe, so you can imagine my relief now that they've made the more humane decision to proceed with vasectomy. But I now have a terrible rash. So does BO. He's so angry He dumped all His frustration over me on the GOP's economic policies yesterday in such a petulant outburst His psychiatrists are now starting to whisper that He appears to be regressing toward the womb.

He should have gone golfing instead.

I don't know why, since the Regime has been on top of me since the beginning, BO didn't just order BP to hire the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw movies. That dude makes an awesome cut. I know that's the stuff of horror movies, but did anyone really expect, when BO promised during his STFU speech to allow more drill baby drill!, that four months later I'd be the crisis He would use to stop all offshore drilling for the rest of the year? Sounds like a horror movie plot to me. Speaking of horror plots, some of my new readers think BP's inability to plug my damn hole is evidence BO's Regime should have even more control over the oil companies. You mean like when Democrats forced the oil companies to drill in deeper waters, where coaxing me to come out of the ground peacefully is much more tricky and expensive and dangerous, instead of continuing to let them drill baby drill! closer to the shore, where capping a leak is like diapering a baby?

Perhaps BO will set the record straight tonight when He badmouths me again during his appearance on CNN's Larry King's Still Alive! I don't know what sitting down to talk with Larry King is going to prove, though, except that maybe BO will realize He has a better haircut and could learn advice about dealing with paying alimony to 7 ex-wives. Not that BO has even known 7 women, let alone one, in that way.

All this trouble over little ole' me, and all it would take for me to plug my own damn hole is one tiny thing:

BO has to bow to me.