Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Boss Goes Before the Small People

After his boss made so many friends the day before, my boss found some small people to meet today, Day 59 -- members of Congress. Yesterday the bosses met with even smaller people, the BO Regime. Naturally, all the small people had really big things to say. They're really good at making big talk.

Like yesterday, when BO puffed out his chest (yeah, I know, you need a microscope to tell) and called the $20 billion damage claims fund he extorted from BP a good start, saying he’d “continue to hold BP accountable.” That’s some ass kicking right there. At least you all weren’t too dumb to understand it.

BO never did mention whether he’d be adding any of the campaign donations BP gave him over the years to the pot, which will be managed by “independent, third-party” Kenneth FeinbergBO’s pay czar. Al Capone would be proud.

At today’s hearing before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Tony Hayward, my bumbling boss, said he was sorry about me (everybody’s sorry about me; nobody loves me), but then he wasn’t very good at answering the many pointed questions from the small people. You can imagine the big talk he inspired.

Eliot Engel, a New York Dhimmicrat, peppered my boss with questions my boss said couldn’t be answered until BP completes its investigation into why I’m now an oil spill, then he had a hissy fit.

“Mr. Hayward, let me just say with all due respect: I, like everyone else here, and everyone else in America, [am] thoroughly disgusted. I think you're stalling, I think you're insulting our intelligence and I really resent it."

Bart Stupak, Douchebag-Mich, had some big talk too, asking my boss if he thought he’d be my boss for much longer: “We are not small people. But we wish to get our lives back. I’m sure you’ll get your life back, and with a golden parachute to England.”

Stupak didn’t mention the golden parachute he gets himself when he has to retire in December (because of this, you'll remember) from looting America serving in Congress. Higher office, the gift that keeps giving.

Henry Waxman, Douchebag-Cauli-for-nia, laid into my boss pretty heavily, too, flapping his donkey ears as he went along, the words seeming to bang against his teeth as they tumbled out: “There is not a single e-mail or document that shows you paid even the slightest attention to the dangers at this well.”

Waxman, naturally, didn’t say anything about the music nights, vacations, golf tours, and other distractions that kept BO from paying attention to me, too.

My boss should have mentioned that Stupak and Waxman love receiving political contributions from the oil and gas industry, along with every other member of the Energy and Commerce Committee. But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that 5 of the top 10 recipients of BP lobbying money were sitting before him today on the committee: John D. Dingell (D-Mich.), Joe Barton (R-Tex.), Ralph M. Hall (R-Tex.), Roy Blunt (R-Mo.), and Fred Upton (R-Mich.). But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that the reason BP was drilling so far out in deep water instead of in Anwar or along the shore or pulling oil from shale was because of the federal government. But he didn’t.

If he had, I bet all those big talkers up there on the energy committee would feel really small.

But that’s okay. Tony Hayward probably won’t be my boss for long, for good reason. BP probably won’t be around much longer to employ me, for good reason. And many of the small people sitting up there on their bully pulpits today will soon feel a lot smaller, once voters hold their little feet to the fire in November for their complicity in my big mess, among many, many others.

You can read more about what happened at today’s hearing here. I’m tired. I have to finish pumping the rest of my daily 1.5 million gallons because no one’s plugged my damn hole yet.


  1. These Kangaroo's at Court piss me off so much I could spit. All they do is look for opportunities like this to dress up and jump around in front of the cameras, acting angry/surprised/saddened/apologetic/hopping-mad.... its all so much bullshit and Americans are collectively "not giving a shit no mo". Thank God for that...

  2. Oily, I agree these hearing are quite the joke, and these politicians use them as an opportunity to strut around for the cameras.

    However, using the excuse " I was not in on those decisions" when you are the CEO is asinine. As CEO, you are responsible for every decision made, whether you personally made it or not. This is why you hire good people. This excuse almost sounds like something would would hear from BO's mouth!

  3. Well ... yeah, What Makes Us Right, my boss is a douchebag. See paragraph #4.

  4. I hear Obama is going on a job creation propaganda tour, so you won't have to worry about him paying much more attention to you for awhile.

    He's due to be just north of me tomorrow, in Columbus, OH., talking about filling pot holes or some such nonsense.

  5. Spill, I am so impressed with your intel, or maybe your boss fills you in. He must need someone to talk to. 39% of those November voters will also be thinking of their pitiful portfolios. Have you heard of Standard Oil? BP bought that long established company. The employees of Standard put most of their money in stock, and most of those are retirees.

  6. Would you like to trade bosses?

  7. @Brooke - OMG! We are soooooo jealous in TN that he is coming to see you and have a photo op! He did send Janet to see us and also called Brad Paisley to inform us that FEMA was here after our little inland Tsunami. Hope your swing state shows him a good time! Please keep us posted on every detail!!!

  8. Your ex-boss met the "smallest" of the small people yesterday.