My Boss Goes Before the Small People

After his boss made so many friends the day before, my boss found some small people to meet today, Day 59 -- members of Congress. Yesterday the bosses met with even smaller people, the BO Regime. Naturally, all the small people had really big things to say. They're really good at making big talk.

Like yesterday, when BO puffed out his chest (yeah, I know, you need a microscope to tell) and called the $20 billion damage claims fund he extorted from BP a good start, saying he’d “continue to hold BP accountable.” That’s some ass kicking right there. At least you all weren’t too dumb to understand it.

BO never did mention whether he’d be adding any of the campaign donations BP gave him over the years to the pot, which will be managed by “independent, third-party” Kenneth Feinberg – BO’s pay czar. Al Capone would be proud.

At today’s hearing before the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Tony Hayward, my bumbling boss, said he was sorry about me (everybody’s sorry about me; nobody loves me), but then he wasn’t very good at answering the many pointed questions from the small people. You can imagine the big talk he inspired.

Eliot Engel, a New York Dhimmicrat, peppered my boss with questions my boss said couldn’t be answered until BP completes its investigation into why I’m now an oil spill, then he had a hissy fit.

“Mr. Hayward, let me just say with all due respect: I, like everyone else here, and everyone else in America, [am] thoroughly disgusted. I think you're stalling, I think you're insulting our intelligence and I really resent it."

Bart Stupak, Douchebag-Mich, had some big talk too, asking my boss if he thought he’d be my boss for much longer: “We are not small people. But we wish to get our lives back. I’m sure you’ll get your life back, and with a golden parachute to England.”

Stupak didn’t mention the golden parachute he gets himself when he has to retire in December (because of this, you'll remember) from looting America serving in Congress. Higher office, the gift that keeps giving.

Henry Waxman, Douchebag-Cauli-for-nia, laid into my boss pretty heavily, too, flapping his donkey ears as he went along, the words seeming to bang against his teeth as they tumbled out: “There is not a single e-mail or document that shows you paid even the slightest attention to the dangers at this well.”

Waxman, naturally, didn’t say anything about the music nights, vacations, golf tours, and other distractions that kept BO from paying attention to me, too.

My boss should have mentioned that Stupak and Waxman love receiving political contributions from the oil and gas industry, along with every other member of the Energy and Commerce Committee. But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that 5 of the top 10 recipients of BP lobbying money were sitting before him today on the committee: John D. Dingell (D-Mich.), Joe Barton (R-Tex.), Ralph M. Hall (R-Tex.), Roy Blunt (R-Mo.), and Fred Upton (R-Mich.). But he didn’t.

My boss should have mentioned that the reason BP was drilling so far out in deep water instead of in Anwar or along the shore or pulling oil from shale was because of the federal government. But he didn’t.

If he had, I bet all those big talkers up there on the energy committee would feel really small.

But that’s okay. Tony Hayward probably won’t be my boss for long, for good reason. BP probably won’t be around much longer to employ me, for good reason. And many of the small people sitting up there on their bully pulpits today will soon feel a lot smaller, once voters hold their little feet to the fire in November for their complicity in my big mess, among many, many others.

You can read more about what happened at today’s hearing here. I’m tired. I have to finish pumping the rest of my daily 1.5 million gallons because no one’s plugged my damn hole yet.